20 Reasons You Should Never Visit Johannesburg
1. Some people seem to believe that Johannesburg is a beautiful place.
2. They make ridiculous claims about it being the largest man-made forest in the world.
3. But this makes no sense.
4. Because in reality the place is a practically a desert.
5. Nothing exciting ever happens there.
6. There is literally nowhere to watch sport.
7. And don’t bother trying to find anywhere to play sport.
8. You’ll probably starve to death because there’s nowhere nice to eat.
9. And the hotels are really run-down.
10. The architecture is totes unoriginal.
11. I mean.
12. There is absolutely nowhere to shop.
13. And the bars are super sh*t.
14. The people of Johannesburg have absolutely no fashion sense.
15. Art and culture? LOL.
16. The weekends are soooooooo boring.
16. And there is no public transport.
17. Things are so hectic all the time.
18. You call that sculpture, Johannesburg?
19. You make my eyes hurt.
20. Seriously though. Why would anyone want to visit Johannesburg?
brandslut xoxo
Disclaimer: post concept borrowed from this post on BuzzFeed. If I wasn’t able to credit your image, please do let me know so I can do.
The Spruce Girls
March 19, 2015LOVE THIS!!! Awesome post :)
maggi
February 22, 2016I agree..live in cape town but love visiting Johannesburg! All my fave places listed there except PARKHURST!!!
Doug
March 19, 2015Lol and there I had my hackles up for no reason. :-) I live in CT but still love Jozi.
Doug
March 19, 2015Lol and there I had my hackles up for no reason. :-) I live in CT but still love Jozi.
Lari
March 20, 2015Hurrah! You are (quite possibly) only the second Capetonian I’ve met who doesn’t spend all their time badmouthing my city. Kudos. And thank you ;)
Roger Thompson
March 19, 2015it all goes to show how the camera can lie !!
Chris
March 22, 2015Thats the truth and nothing but the truth
samantha
March 20, 2015Wow! Love this! My comment was going to go the other way when I first read the title… Very clever ;) thanks for that
Jean Wiid
March 20, 2015@brandslut, this is amazing, hats off to you. Heads up on the Neighbourhood goods pic, that is the Cpt one. Have a contact if you want a good pic of the jhb one. ;)
Dan
March 20, 2015Hi Jean, the picture is correct. In the foreground you can see the Parktonian Hotel. It’s good to see that Braamfontien can be confused with the Old Biscuit Mill. Both markets are fantastic! Enjoy your day!
femmegypsy
March 20, 2015Ja, it’s awful here. The.picture of the Vaal river is from our place there :D That first little bridge and “island” is off the plot.
Dineo
March 20, 2015I love it. Going there for the 1st May long weekend. Will definately go see many of the palces feautured here
Zaahirah
March 20, 2015LOVE THIS :)
leighanne
March 20, 2015great post! I think however Jean is confused, that’s is definitely the JHB neighborgoods market, without a doubt!
Koketso
March 20, 2015I Looove this. Beautiful concept.
James
March 20, 2015Be careful there. The people from CT are still reeling about being judged more dangerous than Joburg…
Great post though (even if we aren’t REALLY the biggest man made forest). Still a great place to be.
Alex
March 21, 2015http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urban_forest
NameMichaelG
March 20, 2015Great pics!
The bit about the world’s largest made-made “forest” is entirely made up, though! lol It’s not even close!
Jo
March 20, 2015“The largest man-made urban forest in the world is located in Johannesburg, the capital of the Gauteng province in South Africa.[1][[2][3][4]”
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urban_forest
2 . http://www.gauteng.net/guide/green_tourism/
3. http://www.joburg.org.za/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1553&Itemid=201
4.http://edition.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/africa/11/18/johannesburg.urban.forest/index.html
NameRobyn
March 21, 2015Manmade urban forest is true. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urban_forest
Berns
March 21, 2015Yes it is. – http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urban_forest
Alex
March 21, 2015http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urban_forest
Emmanuel
March 20, 2015Too bad i live in Johannesburg .. This sucks .. :)
Jo Ann Saner
March 20, 2015Wish you had a pic of the sky of Joburg last night (19th March 2015) – it was spectacular – and the Desiterata says””with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams its stil a beautiful place (world)”
Ash
March 20, 2015After the overwhelming success of the “Reasons why you should never visit Durban” post, you decided to steal the concept and try get some fame..? Hmmm… Original much. Nah.
brandslut
March 20, 2015Which was ‘borrowed’ from this post, the original: http://www.buzzfeed.com/niaalavezos/reasons-you-should-never-go-to-greece#.avEMoRooB
I was challenged to do it by Natalie Roos, who did the same thing for Cape Town.
Anneli Marinovich
March 20, 2015Living in London now, but Jozi will always have a soft spot in my heart. Love this post :-)
Stephen
March 20, 2015To be fair, most of this list is technically not in Johannesburg. If the title were “20 reasons you should never visit Gauteng” …
Carlos de Almeida
March 20, 2015Beautiful pictures just makes me miss my home town even more. Living in europe people over here have no idea of just hoe lucky you guys are.
Donavan
March 20, 2015Only about 3 of those pictures are real Johannesburg. The rest are north and surround.
If you value your life. Dont go near Johannesburg
Kelebogile Matshwane
March 20, 2015OMG!!! that is so gorgeous…beautiful concept.
Luz
March 20, 2015nice emotionally charged ad.
Name Krishla
March 21, 2015frican and live in Australia . I love this comments
You have money it’s great country . Look at all the wealth the country has its . Sad
candice
March 21, 2015Been to most of these places :)
Fono
March 21, 2015Just when I was about to make noise based on the title…clever article!
Sheila Brice
March 21, 2015Landed in Joburg once and all I remember is the incredibe ‘gold mountain, it was dawn and I have never seen anything so fantastic
Brett
March 21, 2015@brandslut just wondering if you have been to Jozi? There is no Vaal River in Jozi!!
cnickie
March 22, 2015One of the most memorable times I will always cherish is my week in Johannesburg. It was lovely
cnickie
March 22, 2015My week in Johannesburg will remain one of the most cherished memories in my life, ( personal reasons)
It was lovely
Moe Lyons
March 22, 2015I was always so so sad I never made it to Jo’berg when I was in SA and now I am even sadder.
Michelle
March 23, 2015WOW! What a wonderful post!!
Cliffy
March 23, 20151 train does not make a public transport system, this city is a shell of its former self, the pictures in this post are selective and often should the elitest society that exists in South Africa .. Having grown up in South Africa in the 70’s and 80’s remembering the places we frequented, Rocky Street, Melville, Hillbrow- these are all no go areas many of them now slums run by gangs … Yes there are “areas” of the greater Johannesburg region where tourist are safe in a gated community or secure shopping area, but the CBD … Visiting there is putting your life at risk !
Aalia
March 23, 2015Gorgeous Images of a beautiful city :)
Cape Clown
March 24, 2015Lol.. this post will upset Capetonians, and let’s be honest, the people who badmouth Joburg most are Capetonians.
I remember my rental agent in Cape Town’s response to me when I told her I was moving there: ‘Ew! Joburg’s horrible!’.
You have to understand the Cape Town mentality. There’s a huge amount of destination myth making here, and the locals have bought into the marketing of their city wholesale. This in turn has resulted in a massive amount of cognitive dissonance, caused mainly by.. the weather (wet and freezing in winter, windswept and scorching in summer – probably one out of every three days of the year allows you to enjoy the great outdoors).
Johannesburg’s weather is absolutely sublime, and as someone who travels between the two cities regularly, I can assure is witness to far more outdoors socializing and relaxation than the Cape. Balmy, windless nights on outdoor cafe terraces are a feature of life in Joburg, Cape Town not so much.
And interesting fact, Joburg’s urban forest makes for much cleaner air. The lung cancer rate in Cape Town is something like three times that of Joburg. The City Bowl lives under a layer of smog and chemical residue from the petrochemical plant on Koeberg Road whenever the SE isn’t blowing.
Doug
March 24, 2015Lived there for 25 years left 15 years ago but my heart is still there
Matthew
March 25, 2015SERIOUSLY! I don’t think this at all! I would say the opposite! I have lived in Joburg for 10 years and I think that this place is spectacular!
Dale
April 1, 2015love it, love it, love it
Links we Love ‹ The Saltbox
April 7, 2015[…] know, I know, Brandslut’s article on ‘20 Reasons You Should Never Visit Johannesburg‘ did the rounds a couple of weeks ago on social media, but in case you missed it (and you […]
Keith
November 15, 2015Vaal Dam is in the Free State, FNB stadium, i am over 6 foot tall and too scared to go there. Public Transport? The Gautrain only goes from Sandton to ORT to Pretoria.
There are some awesome people, but gosh its not a pleasant place. Greed central. In general its as dangerous as the cape flats..why does everyone leave to CT , London , OZ, NZ or Canada? Cos its unpleasant and getting worse
Koos
January 29, 2016I was transferred to JHB, worked a very very high paod job in Sandon, but after 2.5 months I could not take that shit-hole anymore, resigned and moved back to cape town. YUCK!!!!
Mark
February 28, 2016I grew up in JHB lived in London and now Sydney. Both London and Sydney are awesome cities. Jo’burg, however….c’mon guys who you trying to kid, it’s dangerous and unsafe. Ever heard of anyone choosing to leave Sydney, London etc and move to Jo’burg to better their lives?
brandslut
April 5, 2016Different strokes, Mark. I’ve lived in Johannesburg, Cape Town, London, Cincinnati, San Antonio and Brisbane. I choose to live in Johannesburg; it’s an incredible city with so much more to offer than the negative press it receives.
John Annandale
March 1, 2016I’ve lived in Cape Town … spend time as often as I can with family in stunningly beautiful New Zealand … but I love the leafy, green northern suburbs of Johannesburg. For as long as I remain in SA … this will be HOME!
drey
March 15, 2016nicely done, howeva, after living here for the past 27 years, I can seriously confirm that Jozi has lost its mojo – it’s dull flat and booooooring .. the whitewashed art and culture scene is, the tame inner city projects .. eish, .. well it is just that … dull and listless
Tara Turkington
June 30, 2016Fun post :) I think the picture of the back of Maropeng is mine, but your link appears broken :)
brandslut
August 3, 2016Thanks so much for letting me know, Tara. I’ve updated the link with your website. Beautiful pic, thanks for allowing me to use it :)
Barry
July 17, 2016Lived in CT for 34 years, moved to JHB last year, been here 8 months now will never go back. Love JHB. Felt much more unsafe in CT , was attacked 3 times in last 6 months I stayed there, by tik infused gangsters. Can’t even go hiking now for fear of being robbed as I was.
Afzal
April 6, 2017This is why most of you gautengelengers come to DURBAN every chance you get. If JHB * Gauteng* is so beautiful then stay there. Please stay there. Drive your Porsche’s and Ferrari’s in traffic looking snazzy. FOOLS. I lived there for 5 long stressful years. Went to Zoo lake and could n’t even find a spot of green grass to picnic on. Really, come on guys. Your heart’s might be in JHB because you live there but your imaginations are in DBN and CPT. Happy driving guys. Well stop and go every 5 feet driving. Let’s do a real * 20 Reasons why you should never visit JHB* I dare you.
Nikki
April 6, 2017Hahahahaha LOVE this post :)
As a person who used to live in Durban, Joburg is really lovely. I love the wide open spaces.