Jacarandas via

20 Reasons You Should Never Visit Johannesburg

1. Some people seem to believe that Johannesburg is a beautiful place.

Delta Park via.
Delta Park via.

2. They make ridiculous claims about it being the largest man-made forest in the world.

The Four Seasons via
The Four Seasons via

3. But this makes no sense.

Jacarandas via
Jacarandas via

4. Because in reality the place is a practically a desert.

Vaal River via
The Vaal River via

5. Nothing exciting ever happens there.

Electric Storm via Alexius van der Westhuizen
Electric Storm via Alexius van der Westhuizen

6. There is literally nowhere to watch sport.

The FNB Stadium via
The FNB Stadium via

7. And don’t bother trying to find anywhere to play sport. 

Johannesburg Country Club via
Johannesburg Country Club via

8. You’ll probably starve to death because there’s nowhere nice to eat. 

Roots at Forum Homini via
Roots at Forum Homini via

9. And the hotels are really run-down. 

The Saxon via
The Saxon via

10. The architecture is totes unoriginal. 

Mill Junction via
Mill Junction via

11. I mean. 

Maropeng via
Maropeng via

12. There is absolutely nowhere to shop.

Neighbourgoods Market via

13. And the bars are super sh*t. 

Flame at the Four Seasons via
Flame at the Four Seasons via

14. The people of Johannesburg have absolutely no fashion sense. 

The Boys of I See a Different You via
The Boys of I See a Different You via

15. Art and culture? LOL.

Street Art via
Street Art via

16. The weekends are soooooooo boring. 

Hot Air Ballooning via
Hot Air Ballooning via

16. And there is no public transport. 

Gautrain via
Gautrain via

17. Things are so hectic all the time. 

Emmarentia Dam via
Emmarentia Dam via

18. You call that sculpture, Johannesburg?

Nirox Sculpture Fair via
Nirox Sculpture Fair via

19. You make my eyes hurt. 

Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens via

20. Seriously though. Why would anyone want to visit Johannesburg?

Johannesburg Skyline via
Johannesburg Skyline via MMINC

brandslut xoxo

Disclaimer: post concept borrowed from this post on BuzzFeed. If I wasn’t able to credit your image, please do let me know so I can do. 

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53 Comments


      1. I agree..live in cape town but love visiting Johannesburg! All my fave places listed there except PARKHURST!!!


    1. Lol and there I had my hackles up for no reason. 🙂 I live in CT but still love Jozi.


    1. Lol and there I had my hackles up for no reason. 🙂 I live in CT but still love Jozi.


      1. Hurrah! You are (quite possibly) only the second Capetonian I’ve met who doesn’t spend all their time badmouthing my city. Kudos. And thank you 😉


    1. Wow! Love this! My comment was going to go the other way when I first read the title… Very clever 😉 thanks for that


    1. @brandslut, this is amazing, hats off to you. Heads up on the Neighbourhood goods pic, that is the Cpt one. Have a contact if you want a good pic of the jhb one. 😉


      1. Hi Jean, the picture is correct. In the foreground you can see the Parktonian Hotel. It’s good to see that Braamfontien can be confused with the Old Biscuit Mill. Both markets are fantastic! Enjoy your day!


    1. Ja, it’s awful here. The.picture of the Vaal river is from our place there 😀 That first little bridge and “island” is off the plot.


    1. I love it. Going there for the 1st May long weekend. Will definately go see many of the palces feautured here


    1. great post! I think however Jean is confused, that’s is definitely the JHB neighborgoods market, without a doubt!


    1. Be careful there. The people from CT are still reeling about being judged more dangerous than Joburg…

      Great post though (even if we aren’t REALLY the biggest man made forest). Still a great place to be.


    1. Great pics!

      The bit about the world’s largest made-made “forest” is entirely made up, though! lol It’s not even close!


    1. Wish you had a pic of the sky of Joburg last night (19th March 2015) – it was spectacular – and the Desiterata says””with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams its stil a beautiful place (world)”


    1. After the overwhelming success of the “Reasons why you should never visit Durban” post, you decided to steal the concept and try get some fame..? Hmmm… Original much. Nah.


    1. To be fair, most of this list is technically not in Johannesburg. If the title were “20 reasons you should never visit Gauteng” …


    1. Beautiful pictures just makes me miss my home town even more. Living in europe people over here have no idea of just hoe lucky you guys are.


    1. Only about 3 of those pictures are real Johannesburg. The rest are north and surround.
      If you value your life. Dont go near Johannesburg


    1. frican and live in Australia . I love this comments
      You have money it’s great country . Look at all the wealth the country has its . Sad


    1. Landed in Joburg once and all I remember is the incredibe ‘gold mountain, it was dawn and I have never seen anything so fantastic


    1. My week in Johannesburg will remain one of the most cherished memories in my life, ( personal reasons)
      It was lovely


    1. 1 train does not make a public transport system, this city is a shell of its former self, the pictures in this post are selective and often should the elitest society that exists in South Africa .. Having grown up in South Africa in the 70’s and 80’s remembering the places we frequented, Rocky Street, Melville, Hillbrow- these are all no go areas many of them now slums run by gangs … Yes there are “areas” of the greater Johannesburg region where tourist are safe in a gated community or secure shopping area, but the CBD … Visiting there is putting your life at risk !


    1. Lol.. this post will upset Capetonians, and let’s be honest, the people who badmouth Joburg most are Capetonians.

      I remember my rental agent in Cape Town’s response to me when I told her I was moving there: ‘Ew! Joburg’s horrible!’.

      You have to understand the Cape Town mentality. There’s a huge amount of destination myth making here, and the locals have bought into the marketing of their city wholesale. This in turn has resulted in a massive amount of cognitive dissonance, caused mainly by.. the weather (wet and freezing in winter, windswept and scorching in summer – probably one out of every three days of the year allows you to enjoy the great outdoors).

      Johannesburg’s weather is absolutely sublime, and as someone who travels between the two cities regularly, I can assure is witness to far more outdoors socializing and relaxation than the Cape. Balmy, windless nights on outdoor cafe terraces are a feature of life in Joburg, Cape Town not so much.

      And interesting fact, Joburg’s urban forest makes for much cleaner air. The lung cancer rate in Cape Town is something like three times that of Joburg. The City Bowl lives under a layer of smog and chemical residue from the petrochemical plant on Koeberg Road whenever the SE isn’t blowing.


    1. SERIOUSLY! I don’t think this at all! I would say the opposite! I have lived in Joburg for 10 years and I think that this place is spectacular!


    1. […] know, I know, Brandslut’s article on ‘20 Reasons You Should Never Visit Johannesburg‘ did the rounds a couple of weeks ago on social media, but in case you missed it (and you […]


    1. Vaal Dam is in the Free State, FNB stadium, i am over 6 foot tall and too scared to go there. Public Transport? The Gautrain only goes from Sandton to ORT to Pretoria.
      There are some awesome people, but gosh its not a pleasant place. Greed central. In general its as dangerous as the cape flats..why does everyone leave to CT , London , OZ, NZ or Canada? Cos its unpleasant and getting worse


    1. I was transferred to JHB, worked a very very high paod job in Sandon, but after 2.5 months I could not take that shit-hole anymore, resigned and moved back to cape town. YUCK!!!!


    1. I grew up in JHB lived in London and now Sydney. Both London and Sydney are awesome cities. Jo’burg, however….c’mon guys who you trying to kid, it’s dangerous and unsafe. Ever heard of anyone choosing to leave Sydney, London etc and move to Jo’burg to better their lives?


      1. Different strokes, Mark. I’ve lived in Johannesburg, Cape Town, London, Cincinnati, San Antonio and Brisbane. I choose to live in Johannesburg; it’s an incredible city with so much more to offer than the negative press it receives.


    1. I’ve lived in Cape Town … spend time as often as I can with family in stunningly beautiful New Zealand … but I love the leafy, green northern suburbs of Johannesburg. For as long as I remain in SA … this will be HOME!


    1. nicely done, howeva, after living here for the past 27 years, I can seriously confirm that Jozi has lost its mojo – it’s dull flat and booooooring .. the whitewashed art and culture scene is, the tame inner city projects .. eish, .. well it is just that … dull and listless

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